as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
