Since when is my name a synonym for head?
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
You said you were going inside to sober up and then you poured yourself a wine glass of warm gin
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?
Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
I honestly just wanna put my face in her tits and disappear from this plane of existence
i think she learned that just cuz half shots were easier, doesnt mean she can have triple as many.
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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