She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
she trying to cartwheel up the stairs... not going so well
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
If there is a heaven, that's what it will be. Bagel Bites and cunnilingus.
I've entered the world of uncircumcised penises. It's disgusting.
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
I always felt my time would come in the form of a tidal wave of whisky
If there's a nuclear war you can come over. I'll feed you soup and you can rig up car batteries to power the coffee pot and toaster. We can grow tomatoes and chickens.
Randomize
