The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
we screwed to my bar mtzvah tape, I became a man while watching myself becom a man
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
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