I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
