the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
