My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
had another sex dream about alec baldwin...
even my worst enemy doesn't deserve a bush like that
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
I'm not gonna lie, my internet creeping skills scare me. I'm like Liam Neeson in Taken
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Randomize
