My friends, they love my intelligence
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"
Midwestern nice.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Yeah. Broke it off. Saw her cheating after she forgot to turn her zoom off. Ring=$$$. Not making that mistake-priceless
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