So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
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