nut hugger
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.
I will find you...
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
Randomize
