4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
It's probably not healthy how legit bummed I am that my bottled of wine is gone.
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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