i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
talking dirty on facebook chat is the new phone sex.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
Just got a lecture from Dad about how I need to be more responsible and start buying my weed in larger quantities so that i can save money. Like he was serious and kind of disappointed in me for not adapting to his method earlier.
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
If she makes a move, pretend to have a seizure.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
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