why didn't you poke me back
i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
I gave the bathroom attendant $5 last night for turning the sink on for me. What. The. Fuck.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Hi I love you will you be up for a while!
That exclamation point was a drunk decision
Randomize
