I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
