There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down
i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.
I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you
I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.
arguing about whether his trip to england or my trip on acid was better
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
Why do so many fanfic writers want to see hockey players get pregnant?
Randomize
