So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
we went to the bar with our boss and you tried to play a song from the atm machine
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
Made my roommate send me tit pics so I could send them to someone because I didn't want to move.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
