If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
You were outside cuddling a rock singing Bohemian Rhapsody.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
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