OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
As we were about to go at it, his roommates barged in singing jumper by third eye blind. Weirdest almost one night stand ever.
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Just do it. I grew some lady balls and did it last year. It's your turn. Time to show what you're made of. Hit it or quit it.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
