just got waxed at a place I havent been to in a while
woman didnt remember me then in the middle of waxing she announced that she just didnt recognize my face
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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