I can hear the grilled cheese talking to me. "Let me in there!" they wanna get inside me
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Fucking her would be like seeing big foot, finding a four leaf clover , petting a unicorn, and arm wrestling a leprechaun in a matter of a 6 hour period
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
Randomize
