No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize
