I can mark tailgating, going to the game and getting road head off my to do list today
today is like waiting for pizza day in elementary school, but with sex added
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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