I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.
His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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