I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I guess I can give it a shot. I usually just get belligerently drunk and go where my penis and feet lead me. No fights or getting too lost, so they seem to be doing a good job
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
Do you know that you can buy Cialis in Mexico? Best. Honeymoon. Ever.
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Randomize
