sometimes i look at this picture of your cock before i go to sleep, there's something comforting about it
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
