Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I woke up and finished the bottle like a champ
You were laying on the floor coloring a "get well soon' card for your liver...
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
