awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
My vagina feels like it's been kissed by angels.
The only thing I like when I am high is sex. And Cheez Its. But mostly sex.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
You should never be more than a quarter of a mile from a working toilet
Preach!
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
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