I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
This is random, but did i give u a handjob in the middle of the night or was that a dream?
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
The good news is I managed to avoid the three cop car looking for me. The bad news is I no longer have shoes.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
The guy next to me in the library just got a call from his roommate asking him to come bail him out of jail...we need to step up our game.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Randomize
