i hope you realize when i said "grib" earlier i was referring to the gridded binary, a mathematically concise data format commonly used in meteorology to store historical weather forecast data. also meant in referential conjunction to my probability math class that i am failing at roughly 215pm tomorrow afternoon.
Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
She came over and gave me a handy and then just lingered for a day and a half. Worst weekend ever.
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
My brother really should've known better than to make me go egg hunting with his daughter when I was entirely too drunk to do so. Threw up in a plant in front of her.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Randomize
