Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
josh has a chalupa in his pocket if you're hungry.
At one point, you closed your eyes and asked me which 'six flags' we were at
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Randomize
