Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
My neighbor caught me peeing on his rose bushes at 2 in the morning while wearing my Santa hat. My sex appeal has never been higher.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I ran into him drunk, barefoot, at rite aid and he said I looked "stunning." Yeah, Stunningly shitfaced haha
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
