If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
at least after i hook up with someone i have the decency to ignore them
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I climbed out a window to pee last night because i thought i was locked in the room... Then crawled back in and went to bed. The poor neighbors.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
I woke up on the hammock spooning a box of Cheese Itz.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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