I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
I don't know if it was his cologne or his Jesus hair, but he was much more fuckable than last time I saw him.
Now that I think about it, it may have been the 6 pitchers of beer.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
Do I lose at life if I cry in a grocery store while buying a pregnancy test?
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
the good news is that even if it's Alex's, I can still say it's Colin's, because the kid will come out ginger anyway!
who knew there'd be a plus side to your ginger fetish one day?
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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