i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
She deserves a chance to suck my penis. This is America. Its her God given right.
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I come home to my brother mixing skittles and vodka. We're all proud of him.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
Randomize
