I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
how do you wash the taste of whore out of your mouth?
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
Randomize
