to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
What is soo wrong about a house of half-naked people hugging each other and laughing?
The pinata full of drugs?
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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