people should stop making movies, we'll never top bio-dome.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
It's a good cause. For your vagina.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
Randomize
