Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
how soon in a friendship can you start calling them a motherfucker
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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