Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Some small part of me hopes I'm on the probationary list because of seeing the Dean at that fetish party.
I've decided to give up hard drugs for the rest of the year.
this is an emotional support booty call
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
