just watched a girl laugh at her own fingers... it's not even noon...
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
