he just asked me if he could show me what he wanted to do to me using his action figures. where do i find these freaks?
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
The world isn't going to end because you slept with him!
... that would be easier though.
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Literally too hungover to clean. I'll get the frosting off the table tomorrow, ok?
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
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