I said ACK before Andy Samberg made it even remotely funny. That tool is stealing all my lines.
Yeah, you've definitely been jizzing in your pants years before he made it socially acceptable
When you want to head down the cleveland on Sunday?
What time do the bars open? I dont want to remember how bad theyre gonna lose
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.
The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
the fact that i already established a hook up buddy for thanksgiving break is genius
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
