I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!
I see a marketing opportunity
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
When God made him he put all his talent in his dick. What he lacks in brain, he makes up for in loin.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
