Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex
I was drunk
Please answer
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
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