remember when u banged some random dude twice in the back restaurant room of the bar i work at with customers still there? and woke up with an enormous highschool-sized hickey this morning? no big deal.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
My mom just added me on Facebook... She has one like and it's Will Smith
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
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