I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Just blowing bubbles with my nipple rings in my shower.
You always make things weird.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Well puke fest 2014 just happened
Randomize
