i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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