I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?
You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
Awk moment when I forgot to tell my hookup about visitor parking so he got towed
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Randomize
