you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
Apparently "dick me" was not the response he was looking for.
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
