I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.
I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
You don't have to be drunk! I've licked your asshole before
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.
elevator sex. pronto.
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
