thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
do you remember the combo for the lock to my pants?
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
We shot off some fireworks at 12 and then I orchestrated the group singing of god bless the USA all while wearing a don't tread on me flag as a cape. I repped hard.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
Is it wrong that I get drunk and let him eat me out then fall asleep? He offers me so much and yet I do nothing. I feel like a republican.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
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