really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
stop fucking thinking about him when there is A MILLION OTHER PENISES TO RIDE IN THE WORLD
There are grandparents doing keg stands I don't know
Nothing says responsible like taking your birth control with an open bottle of wine you left on your night stand from the night before
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
You don't know happiness until you've got to smoke weed inside taco bell and then eat all you want for free
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