Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.
Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
well i maturbated this morning, which means the best part of my day has already happened.
I just set my messenger to Away so I could run downstairs to masturbate. Working from home is the BEST
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