That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
u just dont fucking get it...you try and cum while your cat is staring at you.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
