you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
party tonight. bring as many traffic cones as you can find. we need to section off the blackout drunks way better this time
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
Is it possible to hurt your vagina working out, because I think my Dumbass accomplished that... 😯😟😒😓
Do I even want to know?
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
I just threw up in front of a bunch of parents/prospective students while they were on a campus tour..awesome..
Randomize
