community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
Drunk texting with my high school teacher. This hurricane is bringing out the best in everyone!
be right there i have to get my cape
Did my roommate wake up in your girlfriend's apartment in drag again?
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
He's getting so into these sexts, I hate to tell him I'm fully clothes, watching Bring It On and eating chips and salsa.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
You tried to eat your way through the wall. Like you literally tried to eat drywall and insulation.
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
